The reasons for choosing a partner are directly related to our relationship with our parents and their relationship with each other. «The choice of partner that we psychoanalysts call ’recallable» is the most mature, leading to the small percentage of 10 to 20% of happy marriages. What does this mean? When we have a good mother and enjoy our time with her, we learn to forgive her flaws, like a mature person. So we accept our partner's flaws and build a good relationship. This means that we have smoothly overcome the Oedipus complex and do not experience significant anxiety about separation or betrayal. For example, we accept that our mother had another child. Or I know as a child that she loves me, but I discovered that she also loves my dad, but I also love my dad, so we all love each other! So I will do the same when I grow up with my partner.
SEARCHING FOR THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM: «Most of us grow up with mothers who are inadequate, mothers who have not learned to offer love or understand the needs of a baby. And the baby communicates non-verbally to ask for what it lacks, crying, getting sick, scratching, kicking, etc. In couples, this transfer of the first relationship, the first non-verbal fears and feelings, is very intense. That is why couples argue, especially if the first year was not good, if it was deprived of warmth, caresses, and hugs. Do you know that there are people who cannot caress each other tenderly?’
WE ARE LOOKING FOR A DESIRED MOTHER: «The problems of our first relationship with our mother also create problematic love affairs. You then expect not only to find a normal woman, a normal man, but a partner who will replace her in a better version; you want the ideal mother. This creates love, the most passionate kind. But not real love. Because in this case, we are looking for an ideal that will love us, appreciate us for who we are, as our mother should have done. And the more one waits for the ideal mother, the more one idealizes her. It is a narcissistic need. When you hear: »Only one woman has understood me, you, the others were all...", understand that you must quickly distance yourself from this person! They are attributing qualities to you that you probably do not have!.
WE CHOOSE THE ONE WHO IS LIKE US: «Have you ever wondered why we complain that we only attract problematic partners in our love life? Maybe it's not just the other person's fault? «Why didn't you choose someone else?» I would ask. We must understand that we cannot match someone who is more emotionally mature than us. We will not be in sync. And it has nothing to do with intelligence or our abilities in other areas, such as work. We may excel there. But emotional maturity is something else.« LOVE: »Love lasts a year at most. Recursive love, the first kind we talked about, which isn't so intense at first, matures slowly. One begins to fall in love with the other as they spend time together and get to know each other. That is what I call true love. I realize that the other person is something special to me because they convinced me and I convinced them of that.".
STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT: «To have a good relationship, you have to get through the needs of the first year, the great dependence. Didn't I get a lot from my mother in the first year? Then I'm looking for a woman—a mother. I don't give much importance to the sexual aspect. And this relationship doesn't work out because you choose a similar type of partner. At first, it seems that one will take care of the other, and then both expect the other to take care of them. In the second year, the child learns autonomy with the mother; it is the period of opposition. If it doesn't go well, later in the relationship one will try to dominate the other! The third stage is the phallic stage, where sex is focused on the genitals. If something goes wrong, you choose a woman you like sexually, but that quickly wears off. And from then on, you have other needs that she doesn't meet. The fourth stage, which again doesn't go well, is the Oedipal stage, which corresponds to around 5 years of a child's development. There's a problem there because you don't really want your partner sexually. If you manage to find someone who reminds you of your mother (or father), you will have sexual problems: erection, premature ejaculation, etc.
BALANCE ISSUE: «A good relationship requires that we have gone through these stages relatively smoothly: you want to have a minimum of dependence, to have autonomy, but you don't like to hold the other person down. You want to have sex and enjoy it, but you are not satisfied with that alone. Then the relationship evolves into love, into romance, and it can last. You don't expect so much from the other person; you unite two lives, which, however, never become one.».
LOVE IS ONE THING, ROMANCE IS ANOTHER: «Two people are mirrors for each other. People in love look at each other and admire each other, but that's not love! It is a very pleasant feeling, which almost always leads to trouble. Because the next day you see him/her, you will already feel a little disappointed. At first contact, we know nothing about each other, but as the relationship progresses, the idealization begins to fade.».
AND NOW WHAT? «It may sound a little pessimistic, but it's the reality. The first thing I say is to find a good mom, with psychotherapy, individually or in groups, which helps people a lot. I also say, and I have been misunderstood for this, that women should be able to be close to their child during the first year of its life. I often suggest something that still seems utopian: life lessons should be taught in elementary schools, in groups with trained teachers. The next step is dialogue, which is difficult, of course. People have always had problems and have always found ways to deal with them. We need to be a little optimistic.
