Lately we all spend more time at home than we used to. While this has many positives for our pets and for our comfort, because we walk around all day in our pajamas, there are potential negative effects on the relationship of people who live together.
According to Bronion Singleton, a couples therapist from Toronto, «small things now become big things. We don't have the stress decompression points that we had in the past».
«When we hear this term, we often think of sexual intimacy or physical intimacy when we talk about couples, but intimacy is also an emotional, intellectual and experiential bond that is enhanced by the experiences you create with your partner," the therapist said.
Under normal circumstances, couples would not spend their working time together, so they would come home with anecdotes, stories and experiences to contribute to their relationship. But now, at the end of the day, they both know everything that has happened in the previous hours.
Another problem is that we are essentially forced to rely on our partner to do what a whole group of friends would normally do.
But there is no reason to despair. We may already have been living for a year (almost) in quarantine and this may not be the ideal time for love to blossom, but there are still things we can do to keep our relationship alive. Here are Singleton's suggestions for couples going through quarantine together.
Let's schedule some time apart
«It's quite paradoxical - we complain about social isolation and yet people who stay with their loved ones don't have enough privacy,» Singleton said.
The solution: spend time apart
«If we both work from home, let's work as far away from each other as possible. Let's go long walks separately. Let's schedule time to watch a movie alone or chat with friends,» says the therapist.
And we don't have to have real plans to spend time away from each other. By scheduling a few nights a week that we spend together, and a few that we each spend doing our own thing, we can rejuvenate our relationship.
Let's discuss this
Because we have virtually no choice but to spend all day with our partner, we may feel that we cannot talk about this issue. But it can really help a lot to communicate about the limitations we feel.
If we have identified what are the elements that easily irritate us, we can share them with our partner. Being honest with each other can solve many problems.
Let's remember to be discreet
«This sounds very boring, but be kind to each other first and foremost,» Singleton said.
Before we leave all our dishes in the sink or complain that our partner left the light on, let's think about how we would treat a beloved roommate. Would we start a fight with him or her? Or would we just tell ourselves that they are probably stressed too and that they will do the dishes later?;
Let's schedule sex
«Many refer to this myth for the sex, that is, that it will be spontaneous,» Singleton said. In this day and age, when we mostly walk around the house in our pajamas and many people face the stakes of mental health or have low self-esteem , this scenario of spontaneity seems utopian.
It may seem strange and counterintuitive at first, but scheduling sex can be fun if we see it as something we expect to happen.
Let's take care of ourselves
It is well known and repeated over and over again, because it is true: we will not be good friends, partners or romantic partners in any case if we do not feel good about ourselves.
«We really need to take care of ourselves and our own physical and mental health, so that we can show up as our best selves in our relationship,» says Singleton. This is always true, but it's especially important now, when there's so much stress.
Being good to ourselves also means taking a break in our relationship if necessary. If we don't feel like things are great all the time, that's perfectly normal: the whole world is upside down right now.
