Making friends in the workplace is inevitable, as it is in direct relation to our daily life and the environment in which we spend most of the day.
While there is a positive side to a relationship - a friend at work makes a long day go by faster and helps to overcome tensions that arise - we shouldn't forget that it requires a difficult balance. An equilibrium between friendship and collegiality, with work obligations constantly alternating, as Jessica Method, a human resource management researcher at Rutgers University who has studied the benefits and drawbacks of friendship in the workplace, explains.
«We have to have a professional level of respect and a personal level of respect,» she says. «If one of those is compromised, the relationship cannot survive.».
Good friends can go the extra mile and offer us unconditional support, but a colleague's friendship must have limits to remain professional. When a friend in the workplace starts to overstep the boundaries, this is a warning sign.
These are some signs that an office friendship is no longer healthy and can even be toxic to our career and well-being:
1. Our friend expects us to take his side all the time
«Friendship requires a level of favoritism,» says Jessica Methot.
But in the workplace, we can't show that kind of behavior to a colleague. A good friend understands that you need to maintain these professional boundaries in order to get the job done right.
A toxic work friend, however, may expect us to be on their side in work disagreements or to share any confidential information overheard in meetings, which if we don't will affect our kissing.
Patricia Sayas, a researcher at the University of Arizona who studies workplace friendships, found that conflicting expectations are one of the five most important reasons why working friendships deteriorate.
2. Our ability to complete our work would be compromised if we ended the friendship
If we are afraid to confront our friend's bad side because we have seen him «weakening» his work opponents, this is a sign that the relationship has been put on a toxic foundation.
The retaliation we may suffer may be trivial, such as stopping receiving emails to the cold attitude of the entire office after it has turned colleagues against us.
«When we know someone well enough, we know where their behaviour can go. If we're afraid of what he's capable of, then we're looking at someone who is quite toxic», explains Tanisha Ranger, a Nevada-based clinical psychologist.
Maintaining a friendship out of fear is not healthy for our well-being or our longevity in the company.
3. The friend betrays our trust
Good friendships are built on mutual trust and toxic friendships are based on feeling like we always have to watch our backs in relation to the other person.
Feeling betrayed is another of the five major reasons why work friendships fail, according to research by Patricia Shia.
A betrayal doesn't have to be as big as a backstabbing. It can also be an accumulation of seemingly insignificant misconduct that make us wonder if our friend is really trustworthy. They may disclose our personal issues to others or they may use the confidential information we shared for their own professional gain, says Jessica Methot.
«They may be hiding information that is useful for our work and for our development,» he adds, noting, «They don't want us to succeed, even if they care about us on a personal level. All of this calls into question the real basis of trust in the relationship.».
4. We become rude or gossipy when we are in company - and get a bad reputation by associating with him
The relationships we maintain at work say a lot about our values, whether we like it or not. Research has shown that being around rude people at work makes us more likely to be rude and mean.
We don't want to be friends with someone who turns us into someone we weren't before we met them, because it can eventually start to damage our reputation.
«If our reputation in the workplace starts to be perceived as being as negative as our friend's just because we are seen together, that could be a problem,» says occupational counsellor, Jennifer Tardy.
Tanisha Ranger argues that the dynamics of the toxicity of work can push us to say and do things we would not do on our own. If we «find ourselves really hard and gossipy in ways that we are not outside of this working relationship,» that is a sign that the relationship is not healthy.
5. Our relationship causes more ambivalence and trepidation than excitement
Unless the betrayal is great, it can be very difficult to know when to end a friendship.
In this case, Jessica Method suggests that we should pay attention to whether we are excited by the interaction with this person and whether it will develop us or, on the contrary, whether it will tire us. This will help us understand if the relationship is still profitable. Talking to a third party outside the workplace can be helpful.
Finally, it is important to listen to our instincts. Does the thought of going out for a drink or a meal with him make us nervous or anxious? Do we call him our friend but dread the meetings or casual conversations we have? These are signs to watch out for.
«If we feel uncomfortable, even if we can't say why, it's important to take the issue seriously.», says Tanisha Ranger. «If we feel uncomfortable around them, that's a very good sign that something is wrong.».
If toxic work friendships keep us up at night, remember that many times work friendships end when the job is over. It is understandable to end these relationships.
As psychotherapist Esther Perel says, «What's very interesting is how many people have friends at work and when they change jobs, those friendships fade away. It's amazing to see how many of those relationships are really casual. One or two people may continue to exist in our lives, the rest we probably won't see again.».
